Your Spouse is a Mirror

I paced the kitchen as I talked to my husband. The end of our day had arrived, and I had waited hours for a safe space to vent about a frustrating conversation I was in earlier. Here I was, in ready position. 

“Okay,” I said, my hand coming down on the counter as I told him my woes, “Can I just, talk?” Meaning, Can I just have a minute to rant, rave, and say whatever I want to say here, training wheels off? I was ready to unload.

“You can say whatever you want to say,” my husband replied to me calmly, “as long as you don’t sin.” 

I looked at him in shock. Then I realized that if those were my parameters, I had no words. 

I walked out of the room, mad at him for raining on my parade. Eventually, I was also mad at myself.  How many times had I assumed that it was okay to say whatever I wanted, as long as I was with a person who would be patient in listening to me? I had never before asked if what I was saying was right or wrong, as long as it felt like what I needed in the moment. But finally, I was asking myself: Did I really need to vent?

And the answer was, Maybe not.

The Mirror

James wrote in the Bible that we shouldn’t be people who simply listen to the word, as if just hearing anything really changed us. He said, “Anyone who listens to the word but does not do what it says is like someone who looks at his face in a mirror, and after looking at himself, goes away and immediately forgets what he looks like.” (James 1:22-24)

Rather, he explained, we should be people who take the extra moment to examine the mirror, to let the reality of what we see sink in: spiritual warts, wrinkles, and all. Let the mirror show us that we are imperfect. Let the mirror tell us that we need others to call us out. 

Let it reveal that we need people who will tell us when we are listening, but not doing.

Your Spouse and the Mirror

Just like my husband did, your spouse is in the best position to do that for you, because nobody loves you more. And it works both ways: you, gently and in love, are the best person to do that for your spouse, because nobody loves them more.

In my story in my kitchen, I was ready to sin under the pretense of “unloading,” but the truth is, the Word tells me to “be angry and not sin” (Ephesians 4:26). So there is no biblical precedent for “unloading”, which is really just a grown-up way to say that I wanted to throw a fit. But it was my spouse who revealed that to me, my spouse who held the high standard. And as frustrated as I felt in the moment, I am so thankful that he did.

Marriage is designed to be a mirror, a place where you and your spouse safely and lovingly correct each other. We often believe the lie that marriage is mostly about happiness. But the truth is, the end goal isn’t only to reach fifty years of a happy marriage, but fifty years of growing holiness. 

So I pray that at the end of my life, and at the end of each of your lives, we may present ourselves and our spouses before our king, holier than we were when we started.

And it’s going to take a whole lot of mirrors along the way to get us there.